it's so empty right now. inside.i wouldn't be surprised if suddenly
fragments of myself started to fall apart.
or that voices will echo in my heart.
i read xxxholic. and there was one part that i read a few times.
"the soul is in hiding"
and i think it's quite apt. for me.
maybe after A levels i'll try to find back the original me.
but right now, i think the original me has been burnt at the stake.
disappeared forever.
i keep having this realisation that i can't be as happy as i was two months ago.
slowly but surely, i think.. i've withdrawn.
right now all i want to see is just Mother Nature.
the sea, the birds, the trees, the leaves.
seeing them makes my existence worthwhile.
and reading manga, of course.
simple intelligence strapped behind each manga.
i think i like xxxholic manga the most.
it taught me a lot.
and for as long as i can remember, i laughed from the bottom of my heart.
how long was it since i had a squabble like watanuki and doumeki?
i can't remember at all.
who was it with?
when was it?
memories left me even before i could say goodbye.
but their argument warmed my heart.
even a little.
i haven't felt this warmth... since... when?
everytime i'm down, i lose some memories.
and this time round, it feels like i'm forgetting a lot of things.
and i struggle to remember them.
i struggle to remember my friends.
but it seems like..
i.. won't be able to remember them for long.
perhaps one day i'll walk on the streets and forget who i am, where am i, and where i come from.
that'll be good.
because by then, i can start afresh.
not bounded by any strings.
not reluctant to cut any strings.
not desperate to keep any strings.
but maybe by then, i'll already be dead.
if that's the case, next life, i don't want to be a human.
i want to be a bird.
i want to be able to fly.
to live each day the way i want.
to be able to watch over my most precious ones.
being a human is so tough.
and a human's heart is so ugly and unfathomable.
perhaps the only great thing about human is Love.
and yet, Love is hard to come by.
even when you come by Love, you may meet condemnation.
and when you finally meet Love,
you'll encounter emotions like jealousy, obsession, desperation.
you'll see all your ugly sides that you never knew existed.
as if to make matters worse, the other party will see your ugly side too.
he may come to cherish you more...
but in time to come and Love fades,
if you haven't earned the other party's faith, trust and respect by then,
the other party will leave you,
leaving you with a broken world and a crumpled heart.
the best thing about human is Love yet, the worse thing about human is also Love because Love can either create you or crush you in totality. Love gives you faith, in turn, it takes away your objective; Love gives you trust and exposes your vulnerability. it's been sewn in poems, sung in songs, written in books, and sowed in memories. it's like an almighty god; people worship Love. but the scariest thing of all is that people only remember the good things about Love and never the bad things.
