there was something that i didn't understand. it's a question that i've asked myself 4 years ago.
but i found my answer 4 years ago.
i was puzzled.
lost.
i didn't smile because i couldn't find the reason to.
i didn't understand the reason for my existence.
(ok, people tend to ask this question in some point of their life. so whatever.)
then someone came along.
took my hand and smiled.
and suddenly everything clicked into place.
yes, i'm here to meet this person.
to live for this person (sort of)
and to make this person happy.
and when this person left, i was left to drown.
again.
so i mulled over this question again.
since this person has left,
what is left in my life for me to continue living?
i found my answer among my friends.
the noisy bunch of idiots.
my existence was to make them happy.
when i see them smiling, i can't help but smile.
then one and a half year passed.
we graduated.
the bunch of idiots parted ways.
each of us went to a different school.
in a way, i lost my meaning.
again.
but this time round, it took me one and a half year to realise.
so i was silent again,
searching for a new meaning to my life.
this person was gone.
the bunch of idiots have parted ways.
genuine was gone too.
so what is left in my life for me to continue living?
everything in life seemed so ethereal.
as if things will start coming apart if i snapped my finger.
and then i found my answer yesterday.
it was as if the sky was cleared all of a sudden
and out came the moon, smiling at me with her very best shine.
something came into my mind,
but i wasn't sure what it was.
there it was, a star glimmering in my very clear dark sky.
then this morning, the star gleamed and i knew what was the answer i was looking for.
the answer has been there all along,
just that i hadn't realise it at all.
for around 2 months, i hadn't been able to smile.
i couldn't feel any emotion but sadness.
there was no pain, no happiness, no excitement.
it was as if my whole world plunged into one without colours.
i couldn't find strength in me to type "haha".
and even if i finally did,
the guilt in me will flood me
and i'll end up deleting that word.
it's a cheerful word.
and nothing about me was cheerful.
perhaps i look a little happy on the outside.
but on the inside, it was nothing but melancholy.
but now, i think i found my answer.
my existence is for a someone who exists because of me. (its stupid, i know.)
and while i'm waiting for this person to arrive,
my existence will be to make people around me happy
so that i'll be happy, too.
it's a selfish decision.
but at least i found my long-awaited answer.
at the very least,
i want to be one who can brighten up the day of the people around me
even if i can't brighten up my own.
signed,
someone who is trying to be euphoric.
